Not So Self Assured
by Anabely
Summary: At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut.
1. Chapter 1

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

When I finally got to school, I was in a rotten mood. I was sluggish from getting up 45 minutes early in order to let Charlie know I needed a ride to school. I was hyper and tense because my feelings of betrayal from both Alice and Edward were making me so highly strung. And (though I wasn't willing to think about this AT ALL) a tiny little part of me was scared because I did not see how I would ever be able to get to La Push again.

Jacob would not take my phone calls so I couldn't tell him what had happened, and even if he would, I wasn't sure I should tell him. I didn't want either Jake or Edward to feel like they had cause to get angry enough to fight. I don't know which one I worried about more. Even going with Charlie would have to be something spontaneously planned so that Alice could not see it before we got to the border.

I felt trapped and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to admit how terribly scared I was.

For the first time in my life I wished that I was a coffee drinker in the morning. A cup of coffee would have given me something to focus on right now, something to help me cut through the sluggishness. I suppose a big jolt of caffeine wouldn't really help me feel less tense, though.

I was sitting on the floor by my first period English class. Cold was seeping into me through my jeans and I would soon be frozen and have to move. Coffee would probably help with the cold, too. The pros for drinking coffee were seriously outweighing the cons at this point. I was seriously considering becoming a coffee drinker by tomorrow.

The reason I was sitting on the floor was that I was actually at school earlier than my teacher. Who does that? It has got to be a sign that something is wrong.

Why had I already finished all of my homework? This was the first time I was mad at myself for that.

How many more things could I think about before I had to think about last night?

I decided to pull out The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, a book I had been wanting to try for a while. I had not started it yet and I wasn't sure I'd be able to really read it right now. Sometimes starting a new book requires more concentration than continuing one you're already in the middle of. You have to get used to the people and the feel of the story instead of already knowing what to expect.

As I opened my book, Angela came around the corner.

"Bella, I've never seen you here before 8:15. What's going on?"

"I had to come in in Charlie's cruiser today which meant getting dropped off before he went to work. You?"

"Every now and then I come to school early. Not usually when it's cold like this, though. Sometimes it's hard to be in my house in the morning with the twins. I love them, but they're loud. Is your truck in the shop? Why didn't you call Edward to get a ride?"

I had not thought this through. I had no cover story conveniently provided by a vampire accustomed to lying/truth-stretching. Besides, I was already crying. Just being asked about why I was here without my truck and without Edward was enough to send me over the edge.

"Edward took a part out of my truck ," I sniveled. "I was going (hiccup) to see Jake in La Push. I told Alice and she told Edward (sob) and he took a part out of my truck to stop me. That's why I had to take the Cruiser to school." I was all out bawling now.

Angela had collapsed beside me on the floor and gently put her hands on my shoulders. "Bella, that's really wrong. Did you talk to Edward? Did he tell you why?" She stroked my arm.

"I did talk to him, but I knew why anyway. He thinks Jake is dangerous for me to hang around with."

"Is he dangerous?"

"He's no more dangerous than Edward is."

"Did you talk to Alice?"

I shook my head, trying to wipe my nose. Great. Now I was going to be tired, wired and snotty all at the same time. The day was only going to get worse when Edward got here.

"Well, I think you should. What Edward did was really wrong. He has no right to control your movements and decisions even if you are really, truly in danger. If he really thought you were in danger, he should have handled it differently, like talking to your Dad, or maybe his parents. You need to find out if Alice helped Edward, or if she just mentioned it without knowing what he would do. Either way, Bella, I don't like what you're telling me. This isn't something that should happen in a relationship."

Angela had just said my worst fear aloud, the thing that I had been trying to avoid all morning. I huddled in on myself and wiped my nose on my sleeve again. "I know."

"Bella, I don't want to overstep my bounds so you don't have to reply to this, but there was something else that bothered me a little once before, and it wasn't a big deal, really, but one time I heard Edward tell you that he loved you more than you loved him, that there was no way that you could ever understand the extent of his love for you. You tried to argue back to him more than once that you loved him too and he just dismissed you. In a way it was cute, but it just didn't sit right with me since he seemed to be disparaging your feelings, like they weren't as important as his. And then there's how sad you were while he was gone. Do you think maybe that there are some problems in your relationship that go beyond what happened yesterday that need to be addressed?"

I couldn't look at Angela. If I looked at her I would be taking on responsibility for what would happen next. "Yes," I said, very, very quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

I went home with Angela that afternoon. She had spoken to Alice during second period (they had a class together) to let her know that we were working on a project during lunch in the library and that we would be going to her house after school to finish the project and address her graduation announcements to her relatives. I don't know if Edward and Alice believed her or not. I had sat still in the classes I had with Edward staring at my desk. He had tried to talk to me about Jacob again and also why I'd closed my window the night before during first period English, but I had just said over and over "I can't talk about this yet." Angela had suggested the phrase and had made me practice it when I told her I didn't know what to say to Edward yet.

So here we are, stopping to see Angela's father before we go home. We have two purposes.

Angela sits me down in the office waiting room. The Church secretary, Mrs. Stein, is sitting at her desk making a phone call. Angela raises her eyebrows at Mrs. Stein and cocks her head toward her father's office. Mrs. Stein nods. Angela turns to me.

"Why don't you wait here for me, Bella?" This is for Mrs. Stein's benefit. "Maybe there's an interesting brochure or something." I sit down and Angela walks into Reverend Weber's office, leaving the door open. The chair has padding, but it is still hard and thin. These chairs are not designed for people to enjoy sitting in them.

"_Sweetheart!"_ I hear Reverend Weber say. He is obviously getting up from his desk to greet Angela. I look around at the brochure on the table next to me. They are all informational about problems people might be facing. I cringe at the brochure about recognizing STDs and see no need to look at the one advocating that teens take a virginity pledge. That pledge had already been made some time ago on my behalf. I hadn't needed to utter a word. I pick up a pamphlet on alcoholism and study it for a second as camouflage.

"_Hi, Daddy! I know this is weird for me to come to you about, but can Bella stay over tonight? I know it's a school night and all, but Bella really needs to stay with someone tonight. We won't stay up late or anything like that."_

_There is a slight pause before Reverend Weber replies._

I pick up the two pamphlets on relationships and abuse. I have to force my hand to move. I glance up at Mrs. Stein. She smiles at me as she hangs up the phone.

"Anything interesting, dear?"

"Um, well, sort of. One of my friends has been drinking at parties recently." I look back at the brochures and take the one about virginity pledges for good measure.

"It's good that she has a friend like you to look out for her, then." Mrs. Stein turns away from me and opens a file drawer, but not before glancing at the office where Angela is standing.

"_Alright, Angela, as long as it is okay with your mother. I trust you and you've never asked something like this before."_

I am relieved. Even if Mrs. Stein thinks Angela is my fake friend who is drinking too much (Why can't I make up lies that get me OUT of trouble like vampires do, instead of into different and unanticipated trouble?), Angela's father won't believe something about her that is so obviously untrue. Also, I will be staying at Angela's tonight so none of the Cullen's will be able to talk to me until school tomorrow at the earliest. And private conversations will have to wait until after school. I have a little time.

"_Thanks, Daddy. We'll go home and ask Mom now. Any chance you could call her a give her a heads up?"_

"_Of course, sweetheart. I'll see you after 6."_

Angela is back in the office, grabbing my arm to pull me up before I'm even aware of it.

"Bye, Mrs. Stein!" we call out together, as if we are joyful teenagers rushing on to the next happy event, but taking the time to be polite.


	3. Chapter 3

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

Angela and I are lying sprawled on her bed. Sprawled may not be the right word for two people in a single bed, now that I think about it, but we are lying on our stomachs. She is booting up her laptop (I'm jealous of the laptop and the wi-fi but not the tiny bed or the way Angela's house always smells like cooked food—not bad cooked food, but still) and I have put the two brochures out in front of us, along with a notebook and a pen. I don't want to take notes or anything, but being thorough and professional is better than crying again.

We are going to look at signs of problems in a relationship. I look at a freckle on my wrist instead.

Angela turns to me as the search engine loads. "Should we look at the brochures first? Then, maybe we'll know what kind of phrases or whatever to google. Or, do you want to call Alice?"

Not Alice. She will hate me. In answer, I open the brochure that has a woman on it, hair covering half of her face, looking down, not at the camera.

There is a long checklist, "Signs of Belittling or Controlling Behavior." I tell myself I have to be honest with myself even if I can't tell Angela everything. I can tell her that something happened, just not how, like how Alice knew that I was going to see Jake. I have to be honest about something that has only happened once. After all, Edward has only stopped my truck from working once. Not everything has to be a pattern for it to be serious. I look at the checklist. I guess the pen really is here for a reason, not just to give me some distance. There are 11 items on the checklist. I put a check next to 9 or them. Three of them only happened the day Edward left me in the forest. I decide I should talk about that first because I'm not sure how much those matter. After all, Edward was lying when he said those things. I look at Angela.

"I never told you how Edward broke up with me when he left. I've never talked about it to anyone except a little to Jake. He told me . . . he told me" I took a deep breath and it all came out so fast "he didn't want me anymore and that he was pretending to be something he wasn't with me and didn't want to do that and that I wasn't good for him and that he is easily distracted and that he didn't really love me after all." And then he left me there and I tried chasing him, but he's really fast, Angela and I got lost. When they found me and I was finally awake and got to my room, I found out that he'd taken all the stuff that he and his family gave me, except some of the clothes from Alice. He took . . ."I was crying again now. "He took all the photos I had and a CD of music and the presents from my birthday as well as a few other things. I didn't have anything to remember him by."

I look at Angela's expression. She is listening and not judging, but I can tell she is a little shocked. I don't think anyone thought Edward had done anything other than break up with me except for leaving me in the woods. I try to reassure her.

"He was lying. When they came back he told me he thought it would be easier for me if I thought he wasn't serious because then it would just be like a small crush or something and I would get over it.

"Anyway, I'm telling you all this, because a few of these I only checked off from when he broke up with me, not any other time. I don't think he usually puts me down, but he did that day. And I feel like he treated me like I was an object, too. I mean he left me there in the woods like something he'd forgotten about. I mean, he didn't, but that's how I felt about it. And then, it wasn't that day, but when he came back and we talked about all of it and he told me he was lying and how much he missed me, he was mad at me for believing he didn't love me anymore. And that's the thing that kind of makes me upset, Angela. He told me he loved me and I believed him and I trusted him and then he told me he didn't and I'm supposed to realize that he was lying then, and not the other times? It really is getting mad at me for his own behavior like it says here. But I don't think he did that any other time."

"Wow, Bella. I had not idea Edward said so many cruel things to you. No wonder you were so upset for so long. And I agree with you about the blaming you for not realizing that he was lying thing. I mean, if a guy says they love you and then says they don't, obviously you're going to believe they don't. Any girl would. I'm glad he hasn't done that any other time. Are you . . . I—not everyone would have taken him back after that, Bella. You're a very forgiving person." Angela looks at me with her mouth slightly open and seems to come to some sort of decision. "So do you want to analyze these more, or should we look at the things on the checklist that aren't just about your break up?"

I tap another item on the checklist with my pen. Edward is definitely possessive and I think even jealous of Jake. He gets mad about what the other boys at school think about me and stuff like that." Looking at other items on the list, I say "And I think a lot of these are kind of lumped together in the truck incident. Telling me who I can and can't see, controlling where I go, and controlling access to my car. He is also constantly checking up on me. He knows basically everything I do. That's why I needed your help to find out some of this stuff. I don't think I could have without him, or maybe Alice, finding out."

"So this is just a checklist, Bella, and we've only talked about a few incidents, but that is a lot of items that you checked off and I get what you're saying about Edward's intentions and all, but it also matters what effect his actions have on you. Why don't we look at the other brochure?"

There was a wheel on this one of all the different ways someone can be abusive. This brochure was about actual violence, so I didn't think it would really apply in the same way as the other, but there were still a few things that made me a little uncomfortable, like the description of dominance being telling you what to do and treating you like a child, or minimizing concerns and feelings. I told Angela all of this.

"Do you think there is a problem in your relationship with Edward, Bella?"

I put the cap on the pen and then took it off again. I whispered, "Yes."

"Do you feel like you understand the problem or not?"

"Well, sort of, and sort of not." The thing that I couldn't talk to Angela about was vampires. I mean, I don't know what's normal or appropriate behavior for a vampire. Especially a vampire with a human mate.

"Well, then, we could talk about trying to define what you think is happening, or maybe we could just focus on the whole truck thing because that is something you seem pretty clear about as far as a boundary being crossed. I mean the stuff Edward said when he left, you and he have already talked about, even if it isn't resolved. But so far, you haven't talked about the truck and that is something you definitely think shouldn't have happened."

"I think the second. I don't think I can look at everything that's happened, I mean there's stuff inside Edward's family that affects everything and it's all just too much to handle right now. I think what happened with the truck is something I can respond to, though."

"So what's step one?" Angela took the pen from me and picked up the notebook.

**Thanks for the reviews, folks, and to answer the most commons question, yes, both Edward and Jake will be in the story soon. **


	4. Chapter 4

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

**TEXT MESSAGE TO ALICE**

**911. Call Bella ASAP.-Angela**

"Hi, Alice."

"Bella, what is all of this about? I see _what_ you're doing but I can't tell _why_. I knew you were going to be calling me, but then I haven't seen what it's about and I didn't see at all that Angela was going to text me about it. What does she know that I don't?" I nodded to Angela. She and I had discussed it and we decided that I would talk to Alice privately and then I would fill Angela in later. My real reason for this, of course, was in case any _secrets_ needed to be discussed.

Is Alice actually jealous? Well, she's just going to need to learn that being best friends with your brother's girlfriend causes conflict sometimes.

"I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that you don't know what's going on. I mean, I've been working hard to stop you getting visions about it today, but if you helped him, then I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Really, Bella, helped who do what? Edward?"

"Did you tell Edward that I was going to see Jacob last night or did he read your mind?"

"Of course I told him, Bella. Well, I told him that my vision of you was going blank. That really terrifies me! I wish you would stay away from those mutts! Why?"

I held my breath for a minute. Suddenly, I was no longer devastated and worried that everything was about to change. I was shaking with anger. I took a deep breath and held it for another moment before releasing it.

"Bella?"

"What did you think Edward would do with that information? I mean, what did you intend him to do?"

"I didn't _intend_ him to do anything with it. I got scared when you disappeared and called him."

"And what did you think about what he did with the information after you told him?"

"I saw him talk to you about it, but I didn't see anything else particularly." Alice's tone of voice had changed. She had finally caught on that something else had happened. I still hadn't decided if I would tell her what actually did happen. It was much harder to say anything to Alice than it had been to tell Angela. Why was that?

"Bella, what happened? Did Edward say something to you? Is that why you had Angela text me?"

Unexpectedly I was screaming. "He did a hell of a lot more than talk to me. He took a part out of my truck so I couldn't leave my house because I told him I was going even after he told me not to. And I don't appreciate you calling my friends mutts! You can have your opinion about them about and about how I spend my time, but once I've told you I disagree, you need to keep that opinion to yourself and you need to talk respectfully about them! And if you told him to hurt my truck so I couldn't leave the house then you are as bad as he is. And if you knew about it and didn't tell me, it's the same. So it's time to be totally honest here, Alice." I was showing my cards here a little too much, but I had almost lost control. If Alice really had made the decision with Edward, I might be setting myself up for more trouble than I could ever handle.

"Bella, I definitely think we need to talk in person as soon as possible and I understand why you are hiding this from Edward. I did not know he hurt your truck. I don't know if I would have stopped him if I'd known. I might have just been thinking about keeping you safe, but I understand why you're so upset about this and I understand not to do something like that in the future. I can't promise not to share information with Edward because if he's near me when I have a vision or I think about something he will hear me, but I will do my best. Is there particular kinds of information you would like me to keep private?"

"My movements. That's what's so messed up. I should have the right to decide where I go. I'm an adult. Charlie gets a say in what I'm doing while I'm living under his roof, but no one else does. Not you and not Edward."

"You're right, Bella. I will keep information about where you are as private as possible. I'll also tell you if he finds something out that I know you wanted to keep private. But Bella you need to understand that you are a vampire's human mate. I don't think taking parts out of your truck is a good way to handle your safety, but Edward is going to do some things to keep you safe that you might not like sometimes. He wants to know where you are to keep you safe, not to control you."

"Look, Alice, I get that, but that doesn't make it okay. He's the one who is keeping me human. If it's that much of a problem for him, he can change me. And I want this conversation private, too, until I decide what to do about it. I believe you when you say you didn't know what he was going to do and so I'm going to keep trusting you, but this is really difficult."

I barely choked out the last words. I had started crying. I think it was relief. I hadn't lost Alice. She still didn't totally get it, but she hadn't betrayed me. She wasn't trying to control me, even if it still happened that way sometimes.

"I need to go. Alice, you have to keep all of this from Edward until I talk to him. You HAVE to."

"Hmm. Jazzy was here and he heard some of the conversation until I ran out of ear shot. Maybe he and I will go on a little romantic getaway for a few days. Will that work?"

"Thank you. And apologize to Jasper for me making him leave."

"No apology necessary, Bella. I think, no I _see_, he'll be very satisfied."

"Ugh, Alice." She managed to get me to stop crying.


	5. Chapter 5

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

I had to wait until Charlie could drive me out to La Push the next afternoon. Angela would have driven me, but she had to watch her brothers most days after school and it would have been awfully unfair for her to sit around watching them at the beach instead of getting her work done when I could just wait a day.

We had discussed in detail what I would say to Jake. I told Angela how he really hates Edward and so it might not help at all to talk to him, but she said I should try anyway and then decide what to do if it didn't work.

It had been a little difficult avoiding Edward at school, but Angela enlisted Ben and Eric and between the three of them, they never left me alone. I think Edward caught on to the fact that the reason Alice had left was because she knew something about what was going on because I saw him on the phone 3 times. Edward had at least got the message, though, since he didn't try to talk to me after school and he wasn't waiting when I got home.

I was hoping that Jacob would help me out with the truck since he had originally repaired it. He might be kind of mad at how distant I've been, though, and I hadn't decided for sure if I was going to tell him everything. I knew he'd get really angry, but I also thought maybe I'd need the pack's protection if Edward kept trying to control where I went. I was a little more relaxed about that after talking to Alice, but not completely, because I knew there were times she would side with him.

"Bells!"

Jake grabbed me a swung me around in a big hug, as usual. Good. Not mad that he hadn't seen me recently.

We waited until Charlie and Billy were in front of the television and we were settled in Jake's garage before really talking. I told him how much I'd missed him and that my truck needed a look.

"Sure, sure. So your bloodsucker finally let go of you for a day. I'm surprised he didn't follow you to the border."

Now was truth time.

"No."

"Huh?"

"Edward doesn't know I'm here unless he followed me. I need to tell you some stuff but I really need you to stay calm."

"Did that leech do something to you again? You can't trust them!"

"Jake, it makes it really hard for me to talk to you when you say stuff like that. You already sound angry and I just asked you to stay calm. I can wait to talk to you until someone else is here, like maybe another member of the pack or my friend, Angela."

"I'll be calm, Bells, promise."

"I'm going to go stay with Charlie and Billy if you get mad again."

"Pinky swear."

I relaxed a little. Jake never said that unless he meant it. "_Can_ wolves pinky swear? I mean, sure you have a pinky right now, but when you phase, you don't anymore so does that mean the promise is broken?"

"There are pack secrets that not even vampire girls get to know."

"Okay, I trust you." I took a deep breath. "I was trying to come visit you a few nights ago and Edward forbid me to go, and then when I said I was coming anyway, he took something out of my truck so it couldn't run. It's still broken. I was hoping a few things: one, that you would look at the truck and see if it's an easy fix or not, and two, that you give me your advice from a, well, from a wolf perspective. I mean, Alice doesn't think Edward should have taken the part out of my truck, but she thinks Edward is overreacting less than I do. I know that she is prejudiced against you guys just like he is. I just wondered what you thought, or maybe what some of the pack think. I mean, not about how dangerous you are, but about Edward's response. Like if Emily was friends with Jasper or Esme wanted to babysit Claire. Would you guys try to stop them seeing each other? I know you're not a vampire, but I just thought some supernatural perspective would help me."

"Jesus, Bella, I get why you were so picky about me not getting mad. I am mad he did that. He has no right to keep you away from me and I _will_ kill him if he hurts you." Jacob's voice began to rise and he was vibrating a little.

"I know that, Jake, and I had real doubts about if I should tell you or not. I need HELP, not threats. What good does it do me for you to threaten Edward? You need to answer my questions or I'm leaving." I was mad now, too.

"What do you expect me to do, just let this go, Bella? I don't think so."

"I don't want you to let it go. I am not going to let it go. It's maybe worse than when HE left me." Now I'm reverting back to my old self. "I just don't see how you threatening someone who isn't even here and avoiding my questions is useful. You're working out your own feelings, not giving me what I need. Should I repeat my requests or should I leave?"

"Damn it, Bella. You just don't listen to anything I say."

"Funny how I think the same about you. Goodbye, Jake. I don't really know where this leaves us. If you are ready some other time to talk to me about this you can call me."

As I left the garage, Jake grabbed my arm.

"Bells—"

"Now look who's stopping me from going where I want to go."

Jake let go of me as if I kicked him. As if I were another wolf who kicked him. At least he got the point a little bit.

I walked toward the beach and called out to Charlie where I was going.

I stayed looking out a t the water for maybe an hour. It was really cold, but there was no way I was going back to see Jake. If he was ready to talk, he would find me. I wasn't sure he ever would be ready to talk. Angela, I told myself. You still have Angela, and maybe Alice. And maybe Jake will come around when he cools down.

I took a roundabout way back to Billy's. Jake was already in the house. He looked at me. He clearly wasn't ready to talk. He would have met me outside if he was, anyway.

"Hey, Bells," Charlie grunted. "We ordered pizza. The game still has an hour or so."

Fortunately, the pizza arrived before the game was over so I only had to listen to comments about how good Jake and I are together during the commercials and not during dinner, too.


	6. Chapter 6

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

My truck was mysteriously working again the next day. I think that made me even angrier than before, but it was also convenient.

I went out to La Push for the second time in two days, but with a different objective in mind than trying to figure things out with Jacob.

I had talked again with Angela and now I had a strategy.

_You can do this. You can do this. _I chanted to myself over and over. I had tried singing a song earlier—sometimes that helps me change my mood—but it didn't work. I'd tried a few different pop songs and when they didn't work, I tried "Oh What a Beautiful Morning." That made me feel queasy, and not because I dislike the song.

So, now I was chanting.

I pulled in front of the Clearwater's house and said hello to Seth as he bounded out to see me before I had even turned off the truck.

"Actually, Seth, is Leah around?"

"Sure!" he enthused as he led me toward the house.

Leah had stepped outside before we reached the door. Even better.

She glared at me.

"Leech lover."

"Hi, Leah. Could we talk privately? I have a favor to ask."

She took a minute to respond, then rather grudgingly waved me toward the tree line to the side of the house.

"How far do we have to go before Seth can't hear us?" I asked after we were inside the forest.

"Another few feet. But anything you say will get back to the pack as soon as I phase." She rolled her eyes. This time I didn't know if it was me or the pack she was disparaging.

"That's okay. It's the Cullens I want it private from and only until tomorrow, really."

That got her attention.

"Trouble in paradise?" she sneered.

"Yes." I told her about the truck incident and what I was hoping she would do for me.

"I can give you twenty bucks a month if you come by my house every week."

"That's not enough."

Disappointment swept me close to tears. I had not expected this conversation to be emotional, out of all of the ones I had been having, but I really couldn't give her much more money than that and I needed her.

"Maybe I can give you twenty-five, but I have to check. And you can stay to dinner every time you come if you want."

"That's not what I meant. I need to come by every three, maybe four days or you won't know for sure. Twenty bucks is fine. I could use the money and I'll come when I'm on patrol when I can, so it won't always take extra time. But I don't really want to have dinner with you, especially if your house smells like leech."

Now I was so relieved that I thought I might cry. Deep breath. "Okay. I'm hoping that I can wrap things up tomorrow, but I should give it a few days just in case. Can you start three days from now?"

"Sure. Call me if you change your mind. I'm glad you're finally wising up."

I left her in the house without seeing Seth again. Next stop, Forks Hospital.


	7. Chapter 7

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

Carlisle and I were silent as he drove me to the Cullen mansion. He had told me that Alice let him know what I was intending and that he thought it a good idea for a third party to be present and that he was happy to help. That was the last thing he said, 15 minutes ago.

I was working hard at trying not to hyperventilate. Keep my breathing under control, especially in front of the vampires. I was way beyond the whole chanting thing.

_I don't want Edward to stop loving me. When he knows how I really feel, he won't love me anymore._

I tried to run through my plan again, but I had done that so many times now, that it took only seconds. I no longer needed to use words to express the ideas in my head.

_Will Carlisle notice if I put my head between my legs and take deep breaths?_

We pulled up in front of the mansion and Carlisle helped me out of the car by the steps to the porch. He did not drive the car into the garage.

Edward came out before we got to the front door. He looked surprised and happy to see me.

"Bella," he breathed.

"Hello, Edward." He ghosted down the steps and placed a kiss on my brow. "My love, I have missed you."

I hugged him tight. "I've missed you, too, Edward. I'm still mad, but I really missed you. Thank you for giving me a little space the last few days."

Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Edward, Bella has requested my help in mediating a discussion between the two of you. The level of my involvement in such a discussion is perhaps the first thing for us to decide. We could move to my office right now, if that is agreeable to you both?" Carlisle looked between the two of us, with a slight bow in my direction.

My last conversation with Angela ran through my head.

"_He really said that to you? Why? I mean, what did he say when he came back so that you're still speaking to him?"_

_I had just told Angela some of the things that Edward had said to me in the woods when he left me in September._

"_He didn't think I'd let him go unless he was unkind."_

"_Yeah, but, Bella, you just don't tell someone they're not good for you or merely a distraction. It's not true and even if it were, you don't say that to someone. You tell them that you've moved on or something. The only reason he could have had to say all that was to be mean."_

"_He wasn't trying to be _mean _mean. He didn't think I would let him go if he wasn't mean."_

"_How could you have stopped him?"_

I squeezed Edward's hand and let it go as I followed Carlisle to the study.

We both agreed to some ground rules like not interrupting each other and then it was time for me to speak.


	8. Chapter 8

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

We'd been going around in circles. Every time I brought up something Edward said or did, he apologized for leaving me again and told me he was just trying to keep me safe and that he would never leave me again.

Edward said the same thing about my truck. He was trying to keep me safe and he would never do it again.

Carlisle was no help at all, really.

"God, Edward, I've forgiven you for leaving me. I know you did it to protect me. Stop apologizing. This is not even about that. It's about all of the other stuff."

Edward looked stunned, and Carlisle surprised and a little worried.

"What 'other stuff', Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"It's not that you left me, Edward, it's how you left me. It's not that you care about my safety, it's how you care. I think I'm pretty good with the supernatural. I like that you guys are vampires and I like learning about how we're different and the same. But I'm still human and some of your actions don't show me the same respect for our differences that I think I show you. The whole family has told me that they thought you would all come back pretty quickly and that you didn't think about how it would affect me if you were gone for a few months or a year. You don't change much in that kind of time, but humans do. None of you thought about the fact that I might be different when you came back, that I might not want you anymore, tat being left behind might change how I interact with this family. I know you sort of get that now, but there's lots of stuff that you just don't think about from a human perspective and you just keep doing what you were doing when I object. Sometimes it's small stuff like making me have a birthday party, but recently, it's been really big stuff, like my relationship qualifying as an abusive one if we were both human."

Carlisle had looked understanding at first but he seemed to want to object, perhaps defend Edward, when I said that last part. Edward looked like he was a stuffed animal, sort of fuller than usual and glassy-eyed.

"I know you're not trying to be like that Edward, but I'm human, and it's not normal for a human boyfriend to know where his girlfriend is every moment of the day. If you weren't a vampire and you had taken parts from my truck so it wouldn't run, I would have gone to Charlie and he would have filed charges against you. Having a spy system like Alice in a human setting would be on the level of a high-tech stalker." I turned toward Edward and faced him directly. "Telling me that you have to control my behavior all of the time because you need me safe feels like abuse to me, Edward. I'm a human. Doing that to a human is abuse. We have to find some other way of handling all of this stuff. You can't just keep acting like a vampire and expect this relationship to work."

I took a deep breath. "I have taken steps to make it harder for Alice to see me. They will not interfere with my safety, before you bring that old chestnut up again. Even if Alice doesn't want to spy on me, she has no choice a lot of the time, and she can't help sharing the information with you. I have to take some control over my own life and equalizing the information we have about each other is the only method I have right now."

"Love—"

I held up my hand stopping him.

"I would like to ask you, Edward, and the rest of the family, that you all take time to reflect about decisions you make that have anything to do with me before you make them. I want to be part of this family and I want to be a vampire, but right now I'm not. I'm human. I can't let anyone control me the way you have been trying to, Edward, or I will really damage myself. If you can't back off some and stop making decisions about what I do, then I have to stop dating you until I'm a vampire, too, and can handle all of this."

Edward was gone from the room before I could blink.

I didn't move. I had been right. Edward did not love me now that he knew how I felt. I sat staring until Carlisle came over to me and took my hand.

"Bella, dear, I think what you just said was very brave and has given us all a lot to think about."

At first I was not going to respond, but part of what Carlisle said filtered into my brain.

"All?"

"While you were speaking, Rosalie and Emmett came home. As you know, Esme was already here. Don't worry, Bella, I think it was best that they heard you rather than having me tell them second hand. As you have so rightly said, we are vampires, not humans, and we don't always know how our actions affect the humans we live among, even with a mind reader and a psychic to tell us. Let me drive you home."

We walked downstairs from the study to the living room. As I turned to head toward to door, I was grabbed in a hug. I thought it was Emmett, but it was not bone-crushing enough for him. Instead, I saw him standing by the entrance to the dining area with a big grin on his face. I wiggled around to see who was hugging me and it was Rosalie!

"I am so proud of you, Bella," Rosalie said. "I am sorry that you have felt the way you have and I think you already have done what you needed to so that you won't be _damaged_ as you said from what has happened."

"Yeah, Bellzybabe! " chimed in Emmett. "I rushed out to the store to get you a special present. It's comfort food. Lots of carbs and chocolate!"

"Thank you" I say, still a little subdued and turn around to face him.

Emmett is holding a box of Count Chocula. He grins.

"Really, Em? That's comfort food?"

"It's a kind of take back the night fem-power kind of thing, Bellzy. Instead of the vampires eating you, you eat them. So you can feel empowered." Emmett is grinning wider than I've ever seen him grin before.

I took the box from him. Could I keep a box of cereal forever or would it eventually get disgusting?


	9. Chapter 9

_At the end of Chapter 2 of Eclipse, Edward stops Bella from going to see Jake in La Push. Bella shuts her window, but then reopens it to allow Edward in. In this story, she keeps her window shut._

I don't own any of this, and if I did, a controlling boyfriend, however "old-fashioned," would not be held up as a model boyfriend.

AN: I am not an expert on relationship abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please investigate online and call a domestic abuse hotline. There's lots of help available.

The phone rang as soon as I walked through the door at home.

"Hi, Alice."

"Now, Bella, are you a psychic, too?"

"I just know you're the only person around with such impeccable timing."

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you." There was a pregnant pause. " Edward thinks you broke up with him. Jasper and I are on our way back so that I can talk to Edward in person. I saw what you said, Bella, and I do understand better than before, I think. I promise to do my best to keep visions to myself, but really, I can't see much of what you're up to this week anyway except for school, so there may not be anything to hide in the short term."

There was another small pause.

"Edward is mad at me for not telling him what was going on."

Rage seared through my body.

"That right there is the problem. If Edward wants to know what is going on with me he can ask me. He has no right to advance information, or possible futures, that allow him to avoid problems. He needs to deal with our relationship AS IT IS."

I was about to slam the phone down when I realized it was Alice I was talking to, not Edward.

Another pause, this one embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Alice."

"Is it okay with you if I replay this conversation for Edward? Maybe he'll hear what you're saying if it's a little more indirect."

"Yes, that's fine." Suddenly I was to weary to even hold the phone. I opened my mouth to say that I would speak to Alice later, but she spoke first.

"For the record, did you break up with Edward?"

"No. I just need him to stop making decisions without consulting me first and cut down on the spying. And even if he doesn't change, it'll all be okay once I'm a vampire."

"Thank you again, Bella. Esme is going to drop of some dinner in your kitchen. You go upstairs and take a nap."


End file.
